Is my kid a little Pinocchio?

 My kid’s a little Pinocchio?

 

When did my child become a little Pinocchio?   And why does it seem worse during the pandemic?  There are multiple reasons that children do not tell the truth even when it is abundantly obvious that they will get caught.

From obvious events, as "I just saw you eat that last cookie why are you denying it" to not so obvious events as your teacher has reported you didn’t do your homework.

Although the pandemic has changed the kind of lies kids are telling, take heart, it is not increasing the frequency.  It is developmentally normal among tweens and teens.  Two development happenings lead to more lack of truth telling.  Tween and teen time is a time for a lot of brain growth so areas of the brain that might control impulsivity and inhibition are just beginning to take form.  At the same time, this is a period when kids are developing a sense of self and of independence.  This is why the peer group begins to have a great deal more influence than the family.  Early adolescence is a time why lying reaches its peak.  Then typically children begin to develop a moral sense and get that it is wrong.

Kids lie to avoid punishment, “I didn’t watch that video on YouTube”.  They learn to spare people’s feelings by saying they loved a gift that they really didn’t.  They will also lie if they feel rules are unfair, they will tell you what you want to hear about when they went to bed because they wanted to play that video game again, and again.

Begin to be concerned if a child’s lying becomes frequent about areas that involve more significant events such as, whether a child completed school assignments or telling parents where they are going.  If a child says he/she is going one place but actually is going to another one, that can raise safety issues for the child.  Lying can also damage the parent child relationship when parents cross examine the child- “Are you really telling the truth?.  

It is important to avoid cornering kids so they understand that parents need to know for the child’s safety not because they are trying to limit the child’s freedom.  Parents (and teachers) need to have rational conversations with kids explaining why the child is uncomfortable and why the adult needs the information.  Is the child lying to get out from under the pressure they feel to do well in school, fit in with peers, or because they are feeling anxious in the situation.  Don’t use the “L” word because that is emotionally charged for the child and feels hurtful.  Explain why being able to trust a child’s honesty is in the best interests of the child, not a way to enforce parental control.  Trust and honesty are  two-way streets.  Parents need to spend individual time with a child to show that they care about the child’s interests and that conversations do not only occur when the child is in trouble for doing something wrong.  Parents also need to understand that if their kids are honest most of the time with them, they have done a good job.  As they grow into adults there are going to be times in their lives when being a little Pinocchio is a good thing, just keep an eye on the length of the nose.